My First Breastfeeding Journey

Back on July the 16th 2017 my beautiful Florence was born. She was perfect and all the new Mum feels and newborn snuggles were just what I had ever imagined. I had her in Palmerston North Hospital (birth story is another story to come) I had her in the early afternoon and stayed one night and we couldn't wait to get home. My midwife was on her days off so I didn't get to have her at my birth, and the assistance and help during my stay was very limited, so I was just keen to get home and settle in my own surroundings.

We got home and the excitement was everything I imagined it would be - it was perfect 🥰 apart from my nipples were already so sore from feeding her. By the time my midwife came the next day she was sending my husband to the supermarket to buy formula to give to her. My nipples were damaged, cracked and bleeding and I was told to rest them from feeding her. So along came the pump. I was of course upset and the postpartum blues had hit that day I remember feeling like I was failing my baby and how can something so natural between a Mum and her baby be so hard - when all I had perceived to be was that it was going to be easy…..how far from the truth that was going to be for me!

I hadn't even considered purchasing a breast pump prior to birth as I didn't think I would need one of course, so my midwife brought along an old school one that made it sound like I was in a milking shed 😅. I quickly realised that this was going to be a journey so we invested in a double Medela breast pump.  It was far quieter and compact too. At this stage my nipples were still really damaged and I was having to try and latch her through my day feeds….that toe clenching pain of those latches still haunts me and i bet you know what I am talking about too if you have experienced nipple damage 😫.

I had heard of Silverettes prior to having Florence and I was like no way will I need them I won't have any pain….and they were expensive to buy if they weren't going to be used (I now wish I had got them as I have used them for Quinn and Tommy and they are AMAZING  - note to self get the Silverettes and pack them in your hospital bag!). Instead I used other Manuka disposable healing pads which felt good on when they came out of the fridge, but they didn't speed up the healing process any. The latching continued to be so painful I was trying so many different positions and nothing was helping. I booked in to see the community Lactation consultant at the local hospital….I don't want to sound rude but she didn't help in anyway. I then looked up a private one in Palmerston North and saw her, she was so good. She found instantly that Florence had a deep tongue tie and a lip tie and that's why her latch would be adding to my pain and also she wouldn't be removing as much milk as she needed to. We were booked in the next few days to get them released. That day arrived, the doctor decided the tongue tie was too deep to fix but released her lip tie. I fed her straight away to comfort her from the procedure and I could already feel it was different and also her upper lip wasn't tight across when she latched - it was amazing I was finally feeding without pain (this was done when she was 5 weeks old).

My pumping was so disheartening,  I was keeping a diary of times and how much (or little) I was getting off each side. I'm talking literally 6mls left side, 9 mls right side it was so upsetting. I have been diagnosed with hashimotos (which is an autoimmune disease of the thyroid) since I was 24, and one of the I guess side effects can be low milk supply. So again my illness was now affecting my journey into breastfeeding - I was so upset. I just remember crying so much and being disappointed with my body.

My doctor prescribed oxytocin, I had a tincture made up from my naturopath, I was having oats, Lactation Cookies, Blessed milk thistle, I was making a tigers milkshake recipe to help, but nothing seemed to change how much I could see coming out into the pump. I remember I would get excited for my morning pump session as that was my best which I would get around 20mls.

The process was exhausting. I was having to triple feed. So I would try to latch her and feed her off both sides, then I would top her up with a bottle of a mixture of my small amount of breastmilk I had pumped off from the session earlier, then top her up with formula, put her into her bassinet for her sleep, then I would pump both sides and then wash and sterilize all my pump parts and bottle ready to start all over again. (I never found out about not having to sterilize my pump parts every time for my first baby - if you don't know that either at the end of pumping you just put your pump into a zip lock bag and pop in the fridge, then at the end of the day wash and sterilize it then - I wish I knew that then!).

I rarely got to hold or cuddle Florence while she slept as there was always so much to do and get done before she would wake up for the cycle to happen again.

I also remember vividly one night, I literally cried over spilt milk. I did my last pumping session before bed and got my 10 or 12mls off both sides. I remember tripping as I was unplugging my pumps and one of them dropped on our wooden floor and spilt everywhere and it cracked my pump. All that work for my milk and I lost those precious mls and cracked my pump. I remember my Mum was still up staying with us then and I was sobbing into her arms - I felt defeated.

I remember the guilt I felt for giving my baby formula….my midwife put me onto a lovely mum who lived nearby who was exclusively pumping for her baby and she had an oversupply. I remember going to her place and buying milk off her. She didn't want anything for it but I wanted to pay her for her time and efforts. I remember seeing her freezer stash it was huge! and that started the tears, guilt and disappointment I had with my body again.

I triple fed for 16 weeks!!! I look back on it now and I can't believe I persevered with doing this to myself for so long. I definitely have a stubborn and determined streak in me and I guess I didn't have any other babies to look after so I just kept at it. I remember my plunket nurse trying to comfort me and allow me to see that I didn't need to be doing this to myself….I look back now and realize that my beautiful new born days as a first time mum were filled with alot of joy, love and pride, but also a sad, stressful, anxious, disappointing time that I couldn't feed my baby the way I thought I would be able to. 

I was in such a routine of triple feeding that there was little time for anything else. I would get stressed if I went out and happened to miss a pumping session. I was so sure that it would affect my milk supply that I simply found it easier to stay home.

At around 14 weeks, I remembered reading somewhere that babies always withdrew more milk than what a pump could. I started thinking that maybe if I started to take away one of her bottle top ups she might start drinking more from me, than relying on the top up afterwards. I did this over the next couple of weeks and got down to topping her up 3 times a day with a bottle.  I noticed it didn't affect her sleep at all (she has been our only good sleeper she slept through from 6 weeks old it was amazing!), her weight never dropped either so with my plunket nurse we decided that we could decrease it down over the next couple of weeks to just a top up at her bed time feed. I was told to keep on doing what I was doing to support my milk supply as it obviously was working for me and supporting Florence. I had my own lactation cookie recipe that I was having daily (that is now available with my very own Lactation Blend here Lactation Baking Blends – The Mamahood Collective), eating and adding oats, seeds, protein and healthy fats into my diet where ever I could

Wow, it was amazing to feel the relief that I was able to feed my baby by myself. I didn't need to pump anymore. I sterilized that and packed it away and I didn't want to see that again (until I had Quinn of course). I was happy to give her formula for her top up I never worried about that at all. I liked that she could take a bottle and it was important that I kept that bottle familiarity for her and I guess the taste for formula because I knew that if/when she needed to have a bottle that I wouldn't be able to pump enough for her so she needed to like formula anyway.

I continued to feed her until she was 14 months old. I remember we used to have the first feed of the day in our bed and one day she just pushed away. I tried her again and no she didn't want it anymore. I think I had actually dried up as I never suffered from any engorgement or pain when I stopped feeding her. I remember feeling sad on this day - but also I felt a great sense of pride and love for our journey. It was overwhelming and so hard but I did love it.

It was a journey, and I knew I guess what I could be in for next time when we decided we would have another baby….Quinn’s story to come!

Jo x